| I dont know anymore...honestly |
[May. 25th, 2004|08:09 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  aggravated | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Culo- Pitbull | ] |
I swear everything has a way of fucking me over
Hey fuckers, sorry i havent written for a long fucking time. im fucking screwed.
i never thought id say this...
but pray for me.
*Bhavisha* |
|
|
| An unexpected turn |
[Mar. 19th, 2004|07:44 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  contemplative | ] |
in a way, im sort of growing up.
Im learning what I've always needed to learn.
I figured out my future... I know where I'm going to school after I graduate this may.
There is one thing that makes me weak.
Well...actually 2.
they both relate to texas.
Theyre both people.
Its hard to explain but I'll just keep it at that.
At one time, my future revolved around others, and now it doesnt. Im going where I want to go, and Im gonna do what I want to do.
Finally watched Kal ho na ho.
big mistake...i loved the movie but it reminded me of someone.
Im doing really well.
School is okay. Work is okay.
Life is...
well a different story.
So much stuff happens in so little time...
its hard to keep up sometimes. but im trying. I really am this time.
*Bhavisha* |
|
|
| One million one |
[Jan. 8th, 2004|03:03 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  numb | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Ruben Studdard--Sorry 2004 | ] |
OKay. so im discontinuing my journal. ((FRIENDS ONLY))
No variety of reasons, just one.
I have to say this...I messed up. I wasn't the sweet person I said I was because when I met him in the beginning, I was still trying to fix things with someone else. SHortyly after, I ended things with the "other person" because I realized that I deserved better...for 2 years, RUCHIK was a small part of my life, over the past few months, he has become so much more. I let go of all my "I'll never fall in love" theories and began to fall. For once, I had someone who cared about me without the act. I never understood it, but I never wanted to.
He's special and I dont think that even 94534987 years of searching would bring about someone even CLOSE to being as amazing as he is. He's the kind of guy that makes you want to be someone. The kind that makes you feel like you can do anything. The sound of his voice sends chills down my spine, and the warmth of his smile makes me melt.
When my friends asked about him, I got a smiled from ear to ear. He IS so PERFECT.
Everything about him is PERFECT. Anything he does is PERFECT.
Thats Ruchik for you.
But now...things are messed up. Way messed up. I left work early last night because I couldnt take it. I walked around campus like a zombie today because all I could think about was him.
I messed up this time. I admit it. I need you back though.
Baby, Im sooooooooo sorry.
*Bhavisha* |
|
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| I dont even know anymore. |
[Jan. 1st, 2004|04:21 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | What the fuck do you think? | ] |
| [ | music |
| | fuck you | ] |
i fucked up.
texas was great but i fucked up. SO BAD.
when you hear the story, you wont think its a big deal, but i feel like shit for it.
on sunday, I did something stupid again. I swore I would stop, but I couldnt. I coudlnt take any of it.
And to top it off, it was my last day in texas.
im so fucking stupid.
no wonder why i feel like shit...I AM shit.
FUCK FUCK FUCK
New years resolution: QUIT FUCKING UP
im not gonna say happy new year. its overplayed. and is it ever a happy year?
The only good thing is that im graduating and i dont have to deal with high school bullshit anymore.
But then...ill get out into the real world and prove that i really am a failure.
i wish i could just disappear.
*Bhavisha* |
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| Why am I dying to live if I'm just living to die? |
[Dec. 17th, 2003|03:12 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | contemplative | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Family Matters on TV | ] |
This song explains it all.
I had a final from 9:30-11:30 today.
One down, 3 to go.
My best friend's parents and I organized an engagemnet party for her and her boyfriend.
They are now engaged. Officially I mean.
They were engaged before but she didnt have the ring.
Im so happy for her shes my best friend and its awesome.
I dont know what else to say.
Im leaving for TX on Monday.
going to Austin for Nisha's birthday party.
*sigh* I cant wait.
But I wish certain things would just work out for once.
SCHOOL:
Thursday:
Fashions Final 720-920
Economics Final 930-1130
Friday:
Journalism: ((I dont think theres a final, we just present our portfolios)) 720-920
English: 930-1130
WORK:
Today: 5-closing
Thursday: 5-closing
Friday: 5-whenever it gets slow
Saturday: 430-whenever it gets slow
Sunday: 430-whenever it gets slow
and then MONDAY IM LEAVING!! FRom San Jose to Austin!! 12:10pm
Why am I dying to live if I'm just living to die?
*Bhavisha* |
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|
| Who knows what you're really made of. |
[Nov. 20th, 2003|03:29 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | Take a wild guess | ] |
| [ | music |
| | nothing | ] |
OKay, I was so getting withdrawel symptons from not reading AMBER's journal (( http://livejournal.com/users/prozacqueen )) because all her entries are friends only and I was logged out but I thought I was logged in and I was like "whooaaaa why hasnt she written" cuz she writes like 93857894375 times an hour.
she has the BEST journal I've read on LJ by far.
Thought I should let you know!!
Hate work...
I'm off to take a shower and then go to HELL ((work))
Buhbyez
*Bhavisha* |
|
|
| unworthy |
[Oct. 8th, 2003|04:52 pm] |
Happy birthday to me
Happy birthday to me
Happy birthday dear BHAVIIIIIISHHHHHHAAAAA
Happy birthday to me.
Jolly birthday right? NOPE, last night, I emailed dharmesh and told him how special he was to me and junk and then he called me CRYING and told me that he missed his ex GF and he wrote her a letter on her birthday ((a month and a half ago when he was telling me he liked me and bullshit like that)) and told her how much he loved her.
Right then the clock striked midnight and it was my birthday. and there i was...crying.
He fell asleep on the phone, i called him back a few times but he was sleeping reallly bad...
I got sad no one cared about my birthday. I mean i know im not special or anything but FUCK, cant i just FUCKIN FEEL special for ONE FUCKING DAY? or feel anything but pain for that matter.
thats ALL I ASKED. ONE DAY.
ONE DAY.
but fuck...even me, miss "I work my ass off in school, and then Im an editor for the school paper, I have a job which is where im at most of the time, im nice to everyone, im NEVER mean unless i absolutely have to be, I try to give more than get..." yeah, even I dont deserve one fucking day.
FINE.
i could care less. I've learned that birthdays arent as important to some people as they are to others.
I cut last nite.
FUCK, i had a good record too.
yup.
CRAPPY FUCKING BIRTHDAY.
*Bhavisha* |
|
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| I would do absolutely anything. |
[Sep. 29th, 2003|10:50 am] |
by the way, i like the new LJ layout.
sorry i havent updated.
there has been a lot of drama in the C3O2 classes, so i transfered out of the academy which means all my classes changed and now i have first period free. also meaning, i have early lunch with ppl i dont know/like.
im on fall break right now, for the next two weeks.
i will be 17 in 9 days ((october 8th))
woooooohooooooooo
actually, i like being sweet sixteen even thoughi used to say "i cant wait til im 17, that sounds like the perfect age" but then again, i said that when i was like 10.
tomorrow sarah and her family are taking me out to celebrate my birthday because her parents are going to be gone on a cruise for my birthday so yeah. it will be lots of fun.
her mom bought me igia, it works helllllllllla good.
i have been workin sooooo much lately.
maybe it just feels like that since i have shcool and stuff.
but now im on break. yesterday i worked from 9am to like 945pm or something like that. it was crazy. i worked a double shift because i want money. i dont need it, but i want it.
pink balloons for my birthday please. <3
you know what I really want for my birthday?
I want YOU to give me a reas0n to stay.
if not, im gone forever.
duRR
<333
*Bhavisha* |
|
|
| awww |
[Sep. 8th, 2003|07:12 pm] |
look what dharmesh wrote for me :)
B is for how beautiful u are
H is for dat hot body u got
A is for dat ass u got
V is venerable u are
I is for how intelligent u are
S is for how Special u are
H is for how Hopless i can be sometimes witout u bein der for me
A is for how amazing u can be at times
aww!!
*Bhavisha* |
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| Things you just might regret. |
[Sep. 1st, 2003|02:57 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  surprised | ] |
Does anyone remember like a long time ago, i talked about a guy named Jacob who i liked very very VERY much? well see i got a new cell phone yesterday and i called him tonight but he was with his GF so hes like "ill call you back" ((btw, him and his gf have been together for a year but he came to my house a few months ago and we hugged a lot and he asked for a kiss and stuff-- but didnt get one.)) well like i fell asleep and all of a sudden, my cell phone starts ringing and i looked at it, and it said JACOB so i answered and hes like "yeah im in lodi this wknd man" so he wanted to come to my house but i told him it was off limits jsut cuz i dont really want ppl at my house tonight ((btw, rents out of town, home alone)) so then like i was like "ill meet you at Dennys" so we went and chilled in the parking lot...
we talked and stuff and hes like "wanna kick it?" and i was like "aiight what you wanna do?" by this time, it was already like 1:30am so then like, we figured since theres nothing to do in lodi, we could go watch TV at his house. since ive only had my license for a few months, and i still cant drive between midnight and 5am, he let me leave my car there and said he would take me back there later. so we went in his car to his house and we chilled, watched TV and stuff. his GF called like 438756 times during this time, and i wasnt allowed to talk since shes really like overprotective and shit.
it wasnt much to me anyway, because, after all, i AM a friend. I sorta really liked him, but i wasnt gonna let it go any further than that because of all the times he had made me sad. so then like, we chilled and stuff and outta the blue he goes "you used to have a crush on me?" and i was like "yeah back in the day" hes like "why not no more?" and i was like "because were friends and we havent really talked much lately" and he just kinda stopped talking.
it was funny because we were play fighting and hitting each otehr and shit, and he hit my theigh and it hurt ((i was in my pajamas btw)) and i got all sad and his phone was ringing ((his gf again)) and i was like "man that hurtttt" and he kissed it ((aww)) and then like he answered his phone and told me not to say anything again. LOL. kinda felt like an affair but we're just friends.
also, he looked pissed every time she called and i was like "man whats wrong?" and he goes "ugh im so...ugh" and i was like "well you can tell me, im your homie" and he covered his face and muttered a blurred "i like you" and of course i pretended i didnt hear it.
so then during the next commercial break, i was like "dont you like her?" and he goes "yeah but you're hella cool" ((i still played dumb)) and i was like "of course im cool, im your homie" and he goes "nevermind" and then like i was like "well do you like her a loT?" and he goes "yeah" and i was like "well see then..." and he goes "but i like you too" and i was like "jacob..." and he goes "naw its cool, dont trip"
I FELT SOOOOOO BAD!!
honestly, i felt so much just being around him, like i do when i talk to him or even think of him, but i wasnt gonna let things go all crazy and shit because honestly, i really do like him, but the last thing i want is to get hurt.
plus, he HAS A GIRLFRIEND. A YEAR. thats crazy. thats something you cant mess with.
i really hate his GF because i knew her when she was in HS ((jacob is 19 now, i liked him when i was a freshman and he was a junior)) and she was a bitch for no reason, but shit oh the fuck well.
I really cant explain man. its crazy. like i just COULD NOT tell him that i liked him because it woulda hurt too many ppl in the end, and i cant do that.
after the import show thingy, he took me back to dennys and OMG on the way back, we saw this red civic and it like blew hella smoke and i thought it was ike exhaust or something so i was like "man thats hella cool" and jacob was like "omg no thats not!!" the lady didnt even notice and even though we were stopped next to her at a red light, we still didnt tell her. then she figured it out when she smelt the smoke and it blew all over the city of lodi man. and then me and jacob were just laughing.
haha i feel bad for her. but her husband/boyfriend or whatever was there. man like even when we were hellllllla far we could still see the smoke. man crazy ass shit.
and then back at denny's, he was tryna give me a hug in the car and i was like "nah gotta get out first" so i made him get out and we talked for like 5 more minutes and then i got the tightest hug in the world. and that was that.
ugh. ive always been someone who tried to do EVERYTHING i wanted to do so that i wouldnt regret not doing it later. but today, i didnt knwo WHAT i wanted to do, so i dunno then.
im weird as hell.
oh by the way, jacob says i have a cute voice. ((awww))
he wanted me to stay the night...then he said "i just wanna slumber with you" or soemthing like that.
you know, we laughed A LOT and had fun, im surprised we didnt wake his dad up. ((he was sleeping in his room))
and jacob told me he hadnt laughed that much for a long ass time.
ugh he has a GF...
at least were still friends thats all, and ill try my best to make sure it stays that way.
alright, time to sleep...see ya...
BTW...LJers... did i do the right thing by keeping my mouth shut? lemme know!! i need opinions!! thanks
*Bhavisha* |
|
|
| im sick |
[Aug. 22nd, 2003|09:00 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | gloomy | ] |
im sick of everything LIFE especially.
im going on home school so i can make up grades since i cant do that in regular school.
im through with this fake ass life. im in my computer class and my eyes keep watering but i DONT CARE.
im not gonna end up doin anything with my life anyway.
Shelley...Keri...Raj...i need you guys.
im dying
again
*Bhav* |
|
|
| Day two |
[Jul. 31st, 2003|06:08 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  exhausted | ] |
OMG im loving my senior year...its so great!!
up until today, I didnt have a 6th period class, but I just got one so heres my schedule...
1~ ROP- MEDICAL ASSISTING
2~ ROP- MEDICAL ASSISTING
3~ GOVERNMENT AND ECONOMICS CP
4~ ENGLISH 12 CP ((C3O2))
5~ ADVANCED JOURNALISM- SCHOOL PAPER
6~ TA FOR MR. ROHDE
since medical assisting is 1st and 2nd, I just gotta go straight there everyday instead of school.
Gosh i hope its gonna be a great year!!
oh and im gonna keep track of what i wear to school just for the heck of it...
YESTERDAY: GREEN SHIT WITH TANISH WRITING THAT SAYS PARADISE PALMS HOTEL, BROWN BELT, LEVIS TOO SUPERLOW JEANS, BROWN SANDALS, AND A BROWN PURSE
((i DONT TAKE BACKPACKS TO SCHOOL...JUST PURSES))
TODAY: BLACK AND WHITE SHIRT THAT SAYS BORN TO BE A STAR WITH BLACK BELT, LEVIS TOO SUPERLOW CAPRIS ((NOT THE SAME AS YESTERDAY)), BLACK SHOES, AND A BLACK PURSE.
IM A LOSER.
i JUST NAPPED MY ASS OFF AND NOW I GOTTA WORK AT 7.
<33
*Bhavisha* |
|
|
| Day one |
[Jul. 30th, 2003|06:14 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  energetic | ] |
OMFG i woke up this morning and i couldnt wait to wear my new outfit i bought for the first day of school.
I was so caught up in my outfit that i forgot something...
IM A SENIOR
this was the last time ill ever buy a "first day of school" outfit, and the last time Ill wake up thinking "its a whole new year"
i know im making a big deal, but its so scary.
time to get ready for school.
<333
*Bhavisha* |
|
|
| You were mine... |
[Jul. 24th, 2003|09:45 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | guilty | ] |
Hey there!! Ugh im sick. Ive been sick since monday...my throat hurts and all that crap. YUCKIE!! well on tuesday, me, sarahs mom, and sarahs dad went to the Galt flea market. Sarah didnt go because she had to baby-sit the maid. I bought a blanket, sandals, and a picture thingy.
Tuesday, I spent the night at Sarahs house. So we went to sleep at like 10 and then i woke up at 7:30 the next morning. They took really good care of me when I was sick. Sarahs mom gave me like SOOOO much Nyquil. I was knocked out for a LONG time. I <3 them all.
Wednesday, I got up as soon as Robert got there because we were all gonna go to WATERWORLD USA in Sacramento so we hurried up and got dressed and picked up Sarahs BF and then went back to the house for breakfast. Sarah and I were matching because we went shopping on Tuesday. So we left the house around 9:30 ish and then went to a couple stores, got gas, and it onlee took us about 30 minutes to get to sacramento. Maybe less. my sunglasses flew out the window too. MAN!! hehe. WATERWORLD was soooo much fun and i saw lots of people that I know!! how weird!! I saw a girl from work and lots of people from school. awesome awesome. WATERWORLD is owned by six flags. its awesome I love it!!
We left at about 425 and then stopped for dinner and here i am.
fun fun fun.
todays the last day of college for me. yay. well until the fall semester starts.
aye yi yi.
<3
*Bhavisha* |
|
|
| All I really wanted was some of your time... |
[Jul. 21st, 2003|10:15 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | anxious | ] |
work is killing my feet. shitness.
<333
AWW I bought Robert lots of stuff yesterday and he said "thankyou wife" so im his wife now. hes great. he gave me a hug before i left. sweet.
*Bhavisha* |
|
|
| So im writing you this letter, and this is what I have to say... |
[Jul. 19th, 2003|03:20 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | pissed off | ] |
| [ | music |
| | none | ] |
I got a job!! at Habanero Hots ((check out http://habanerohots.com ))its a nice mexican restaurant...right now i just serve people chips, salsa, water, other drinks, and clean tables. i started yesterday at 5 and finished at 11. i love it though. im working tonight at 530 and tomorrow night at 6. my feet hurt and my back will too later tonight but its okay. its money. the waitresses have to give us each 25% of their tips so i made 17 bucks last nite. not a lot but some waitresses keep their tips til the end of the week. oh well.
FUCK. I LOOOOOOOOve my twin sister Ranisha!! shes sooooooo cool and shes always been there for me. I used to be her favoritest sister and look what she wrote to soemone else...
xsexygujuranix (IM | Add) [7/16/03 9:39 PM]
HEy sis!!!!!! OMGG! YOUR THE COOLEST SIS IN THE WHOLE WIDEST WORLD!!
where the fuck does that leave me. I know im just jealous but shit man im ALWAYS left out. we're all supposedly EQUAL sisters but who calls each other and NEVER me? who ignores me when were all in a chat room together? man im sad. i want my twin back. theyre both awesome but i somehow screwed things up AGAIN to make it so that no one would CARE that i was fucking alive right?
yes i screw everything up.
Ive been having a lot of fun lately. but now im just mad/sad.
Hey K~ you should be realllllllliiiiii happie since you and my twin are like best friends now. As long as EVERYONE else is fuckin happie then i really dont give a flying fuck what happens to me.
FUCK. sorry im not good enough to be "the best sister in the whole wide world" but both of my "sisters" are happy so whatever.
RAG time.
</333
*Bhavisha* |
|
|
| For you... |
[Jul. 16th, 2003|01:18 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  melancholy | ] |
KaY... not a lot has been going on lately...I was so happie yesterday because everything was going good, then things sorta went downhill. it has to do with Dharmesh!!
Rather than explain everything I have to say to people who arent even going to read this, I'm gonna dedicate this to him...
DhArMeSh~
Jeez kid, I know last night both of us were like BLAH because we always have our way of making each other feel stupid/unwanted. I know that I'm a MAJOR bitch and I really am sorry. I've been wanting to explain this for SoOoOo LoNg!! You dont even understand!! The thing is that I REALLY REALLY like you and when you talk about other girls... and when you come to me with your problems about your ex ((JaMiE)) i start to feel really stupid and i get defensive because thats all I know how to do. In trying not to let myself get hurt, I hurt both of us. You do a lot for me, and I really appreciate it...I swear. Sometimes though, I wish you would just try to acknowledge that there is someone out there who cares about you and likes you a lot. Because I do...I promise. I love waking up every morning knowing that I'm one step closer to seeing you, but I hate going to bed at night knowing that we're mad at each other. Like last night, I dont know what happened, I guess my bitchyness just got in the way again, what I do know is that I went to bed crying. You're probably wondering why I always cry when it comes to you...but you already know...Im falling for you HARD and I dont know how to stop myself or if I even want to, but when you tell me that you like me too, I get sooooo happy even though its hard to believe sometimes. I dont know what my intentions are with this stupid entry for you, but I want you to know that I'm sorry for all the times I bitch at you for stupid things or ignore you for no reason. Now be un-mad at me so I can talk to you again 8-D *MuAhZ*
<333
*Bhavisha* |
|
|
| This is the song that never ends... |
[Jul. 10th, 2003|02:59 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  thankful | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Air-conditioner...again! That thing is on 24/7 jeez!!!! | ] |
AHH im sooooo fuckin happie!!
well first ill just talk about the boring stuff...
this mornin, i left my house at 545 to go out to breakfast with my friends, ihop was closed so we just got mcdonalds!!
i slept for about 2 hours in summer school it was sooo nice!! hehe
onlee 6 more days left!!
okay well me and sarah drive our cars to school everyday and we always drive TOGETHER, and i NEVER EVER EVER EVER let her go in front of me cuz I HATE when she goes in front of me ((Sarahs my best friend BTW)) so today, for some reason...i was like "SARAH HASSS TO GO FIRST NO MATTER WHAT" so she was right behind me and i pulled over so that she could go in front of me and then i went right behind her...
but at the 4 way stop, we got separated...
remember that girl i talked about last week? wheere we passed by her house and stuff? well she ((J)) goes to summer school too...
so after the 4 way stop, it was SARAH, A TRUCk, ME, and then J, but i didnt notice J...i wanted to be behind Sarah so i went into the oncoming lane and passed up the guy that was in front of me. Then, at the red light, Sarah stuck her head out the window and she was like "J IS RIGHT BEHIND YOU, COME TO MY HOUSE" the reason she told me to go to her house was because J kinda lives by her and we wanted J to see us driving!! So when we got onto the road with 2 lanes...guess what...sarah drove RIGHT NEXT to her, and then i was in front, after that, I slowed down to like 25pmh ((in a 55 zone)) just so J would catch up to me...and THEN...when they finally caught up to me ((OMG i forgot to mention that her mom was driving because that 18 year old senior cant drive yet...so J was in the passenger seat and her lil friends we in the bacK)) i looked at her and dogged her ((i think she called me a bitch)) and then i sped up soooooo much and i cut RIGHT in front of them...i guess you had to be there to see how cool it was...it was sooooo meant to be!!
What goes around comes around...
<333
*Bhavisha* |
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